All we have is Wet Money

I also want;

A nice apartment, a beautiful child

I settle for;

A new haircut and a new lease on life.

Going to Olivia for a haircut is like taking a plunge off the deep end. Yesterday was my third time seeing her, I said I used to be such a pussy about my hair. And she said: not anymore.

I say, a little shorter, a little uglier. A little harder to look at.

That same weekend, I go to the free open movement workshop dressed in Soft Clothing. I feel like I am sliding across the crosswalk, the performance space is just three blocks away from home. I’ve never been inside before. 4th floor. I enter a dark room, say hi to someone curating the music. I take my shoes off and drop down. My rolls need a lot of work, I need to breathe through my movements and it takes time to re-learn. The workshop is free all the way until December and I’m going to keep coming every Sunday that I can.

Sundays 150 1st ave 12-4p free movement 4-6p free workshop

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I looked at a photo of us the other day, we were on the train to the airport and Miami, that you wanted to show me. I look so comfortable leaning on your shoulder and neck like i used to do on the train. I remember taking that train, we were so excited to slide out of the city. I always liked holding you and wrapping you like that in transit and now i travel alone through life, trying to hold myself.

I type

“I got your letter! It’s really nice, so are the photos you cvs printed! Seeing the photos really hurts too. Hope you had a good weekend.”

I don’t type

“Walking by the Russian Baths now, I wish we got a chance to go there. I wish we could spend fall in Chinatown where you recently moved in. Everything felt so light back then when you moved in, we woke up together in a new place. The space between the two bridges seemed like a real opportunity for us”

__

I go on twitter in the corporate bathroom to read the most debased depressed dark shit people are going through

Feel better about my life because it’s not THAT dark

Log off, go back to work

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I only had two full body thoughts this month

1. What do I think is the problem with modern writers? They get jobs, like real jobs. And they lose track of EVERYTHING. And instead of recognizing this they just keep writing. 

2. Incredible how lawyers use the tardiness and inefficiency of the NYS legal system to postpone the verdict of law. magic at work because the law isn’t that intimidating if you can afford to postpone it

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Everyone wants you

Everyone except my boyfriend

__

Wearing my tumi bag on the daily just means that I’m ready to take off at all times. Typing:

Would be nice to hang out some day if you’d like

Would you want to hang out some day?

__

I just want to share fluids with the person that I love. When you love the person you’re fucking you just slide all over. You know how to receive me. Sometimes I almost wake up. But then I look at you and you love it, you’re in a trance, I fall back into us

—

I talk to Agnes about therapy, she says that she doesn’t think she needs a therapist, she needs a coach.

__

John always gets into some traffic altercation that he talks about at work.

One morning after a near-accident he pulls his bike up to some guy, spreads his arms: “What are we really doing here?”

I have those moments too

I just don’t get caught up like that

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A Nervous pastor at the wedding

Love is in the house, he says

Shooting a wedding again. The first dance is about to start and I’m ready with the camera on the tripod. This Must be the Place plays, the choice of song is surprising, corny but perfect. The song says, there are moments in your life where you feel that this must be the place and those moments never disappear.

Sometimes you go to a wedding and it looks like it really is the happiest day of the bride and groom’s life.

The song Love Train plays

I leave the tripod, run to the bathroom, try to breathe. Try to see the light at the bend of the tunnel. Maybe in spring

__

I remember biking through Brooklyn for a really long time together

Consensual traffic

__

Hopeful post

Hopeful-posting

An image of me to interact with your image of you

On the street outside of my job

I walk by a group of good looking men and one of them say I like your hair

But I’m pretty sure he’s pulling my leg

__

The world is opening up to me so rapidly

As it does

I can’t help but to feel that I’d like to do everything all over again with you

__

Going to things alone is way cooler, my older friend taught me.

We’re all really just here to support New York’s real estate market. They are making huge profits off of us swallowing rent increases whole, year after year.

__

clogging

buildup

aging

fucked from side

weiner

__

Just wanna crush my wife just wanna take my life

Artists don’t need saving

Whats the coolest thing you know…

mammals

Celebrity bookclub

Enlightenment

White lotus

Balm

Surgical and divine

Varför skjuts det? för att

Svensson knarkar

———

Poly crisis

Why do I smoke? Because life is hard

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I dream of my wedding:

I said thanks for coming

I thought wedding days were about hearing nice things about oneself but the groom said nothing about me but spoke in turkish in his speech and to his friends and thanked God. He was also flirting with someone right when i arrived to the podium.

I was brushing my teeth right as i entered the ceremony. Then after the whole ceremony i asked kaylin if eva was there and she said no because I had been drunk at another garden party we had and commented on how bad I thought the food was. And in general that i had said a few things that were not appropriate

I was the lonely bride at the wedding, no one i knew was there except for a few friends who had stuck around. I felt like a prop being ushered around and I also didn’t really know the order of the ceremony. When we finally did get pronounced married khalil held my hand and made a gesture as if he made a goal in soccer.

It all felt really fake and I felt bad afterwards

Even though I was ignored I felt like I deserved that

I was there for reasons just as selfish as his and his family’s

I knew in the dream that I was there because I had lied to myself

It was so obvious

When I woke up I felt so good that I wasn’t married

I shouldn’t lie to myself in life

___

Whatchou up to this weekend John? I ask my co-worker

Officiating

Talk to a huge wedding people

Wear a suit

Watch everybody get drunk

Take a bunch of weird pictures

Waste a roll of film

probably eat a bunch of things I shouldn’t eat

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We started this conversation by talking about my mom

You could go to her house and visit her and talk about whatever the fuck you want and you get a sense of who she is

I don’t know who the fuck my wife’s mother is

She’s a nice lady and she loves to make food

__

I don’t want to

compete for your time and space

__

People are so proud of me for chasing the dollar

ka-ching

but my full-time job is probably the most self-destructive part of my life

_______

You did make me eat and I am trying to eat more because I’ve begun to understand that I have a problem. Regardless - I

I say to myself that

Maybe if you stopped crying yourself to sleep you’d stop looking like such a fucking idiot